‘Married In Community Of Debt’ – Why the Black Man Will Forever Be Broke …

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Why the Black Man Will Forever Be Broke and In Debt

Back in the day, the process was as follows…

You meet a girl you like, you start dating and you meet the parents and by the luck of God the dad likes you and doesn’t whip your ass as you had imagined. From there on the 2 families are aligned as to what is going on. Then the Lobola negotiations come up and #Lobola (1) is paid. Then what follows is the #Traditionalwedding (2). And if it’s the right match they have kids and live happily ever after. And Oh, they get 2 funeral plans.

Two hings happened here, lets put monetary value to them

1 #Lobola R40 000 and maybe a Johnny Walker Black bottle to bribe the drunk uncle who holds the most resistance, say R250

2 #Traditional wedding = R50 000

Total Costs R40 000 + R250 + R50 000 = R90 250

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In the Western Culture the process is as follows…

You meet a girl you like, meet the parents after a week or 2 weeks or so (haha no such thing as moving too fast). Then the dude pops the big question, they get Engaged and he buys the #EngagementRing (1) . Then follows the Wedding, lets call it the #WhiteWedding (2). And if it’s the right match they, have kids and live happily ever after. And Oh, they open up 2 investment accounts.

Two hings happened here, lets put monetary value to them

1 #EngagementRings R50 000

2 #Whitewedding R100 000

Total Costs R50 000 + R100 000 = R150 000

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Let’s fast-forward to what happens currently

We as the black community decide our traditional way of doing things isn’t enough, lets adopt this new western culture and see where it takes us as it seems nice.

Lets add up the new inherited costs of the newly adopted culture….

1 #EngagementRings R50 000

2 #Whitewedding R100 000

Total Costs R50 000 + R100 000 = R150 000

Oh wait, we kinda know that we decided to adopt a new culture, but we are Africans, we value tradition right? Hey? Why can’t we have best of both worlds? Obama said YES WE CAN….

So lets add up the costs…

1 #Lobola R70 000 (We have adopted newer rating systems, we paid way too much money to raise our child)

2 #EngagementRings R50 000 (The bigger the diamond, the bigger the love right?)

3 #Traditional wedding = R50 000

4 #Whitewedding R100 000

Total Costs R70 000 + R50 000+ R50 000 + R100 000 = R270 000

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But wait, We do not have that much money!! “Don’t worry babe, I would do anything to prove my love for you”…. Sipho visits the bank and gets a R300 000 loan. Plus interest say it all adds up to R300 000.

The wedding days are over…. We need to get a house and 2 new cars to show people how well off we are, we are working mos….

Three costs are incurred here

1 #FancyCarOne R500 000

2 #FancyCarTwo R400 000

3 #NewHouse R900 000 (We part of the #BlackMiddleClass now so we godda move to the the suburbs)

3 #InitialWeddingLoan R300 000

Sooooo… Does anyone wanna help add up the costs?

R500 000 + R400 000 + R900 000 + R300 000 ……. Add that up!!

A couple of months into the marriage, things go sour due to the extreme debts they have, one party blames the other for all the credit that was acquired in the name of love….. I will not be the one to predict the ending of the story, I’ll give you a hint; Its a sad one.

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Lets stick to our own lane, that way we’ll all be free……

*Lobola – For all the international readers: Lobola is the bride price of appreciation paid by a prospective husband among certain traditions around southern Africa.

*** Follow up article below…

A Smart Substitute For Lobola – “What The Black Man Needs To Do To Start Building Generational Wealth”

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Comments

comments

44 thoughts on “‘Married In Community Of Debt’ – Why the Black Man Will Forever Be Broke …

    1. Lmao. Ay I also noticed that. Its like reading the part of the book where the title finally makes sense.

  1. I agree 100% with you brother, my take is choose any of the first two options never mix them.. and for any of the option you choose, lower the costs by 30%. And hey who doesn’t like the honeymoon… add those costs and your a multimillionaire in the debt world.

    1. Millionaire in the debt world ??so sad really how we African do. May we find financial liberation someday coz it truly is destroying our families. We clearly don’t see debt as it is, its like we are brainwashed to see it as our own. I once said to a friend of mine driving a luxury car is not necessarily a statement of wealth as that car might be the banks property

  2. Oh and with western marriages the parents often offer to pay for the honey moon as a gift, our parents on the other hand will just come and make a speech and donate an Oven so that Makoti can cook well in the New House.

  3. we even forgot that wedding is a celebration so do it wen you ready if i dont do it same time we get together it doesnt mean i dont love you girls forgot that one what option man have loan

  4. well my weeding was both traditional and western. i did not spend even close to half of your estimations, for starters my engagement ring was only R750, afters the wedding me and my wife we agreed that we will follow our own phase to get things of our own, yes we are renting for now because we feel that we are not ready for a house and we are using one car and not a luxury car.

    These figures are way toooooooo high.

    Brothers stop being intimidated easily.

    1. Bruh maybe thats your story. I married my African queen in 2011. Saved up and topped up with a bank loan. Had a fabulous white wedding, after going through ukulobola, ukwembesa and all other traditional ceremonies. 5 years later I have finished my debt with her help. Sold my old car and we bought a new one. Paid off her loan and credit card. Savings are good. We need for nothing. Trully blessed to have a partner like her. We are a real team. I have no regrets. We buy whatever we want. It only takes 5 years of strain but its all WORTH it. If i had to do it all over again I would…but thats my story, and maybe nawe what you wrote is yours. Hopefully its not izindaba zabantu. # brothers, marry your queen in anyway you want. Money is nothing, marital bliss is. Trying times build you and make you think as a man. A good woman will understand you and support you, as long as you have a plan to emerge from the debts. She will respect the sacrifice you made in order to make her happy. Kulukhuni ukuba yindoda & nothing is more fulfilling to conquer adversity and raise a family as a man. Trying times separates boys from men! Ngiyema lapho

      1. I think the writer was speaking in general terms of which I personally agree to. As to often times we do things to impress bocousin and friends and don’t about ourselves. We subject ourselves to unnecessary obligations. Live within your means and relax.

      2. Am with u on that one,,,, just that in this world as blacks we are still taken as idiot’s

    2. the figures sound just about right to me, you are an outlier to what is happening – due to you being prudent with money I guess, or probably not “black middle class” enough to fit into the stereotype of the article, but it is generally what is happening.

  5. If the marriage of a black man was about tradition and and uniting families, the white wedding would not exist. The only reason white wedding exist is because we don’t have confidence in our traditional ceremonies that they have the power to make a bold statement in our communities. The sad thing is those who pressure us into debts while trying to impress, they don’t even help financially. So the question would be: are we doing it for us or for them?

    1. Spot on Brother, We seem to be doing all this to please our community and the sad reality is that they’ll come eat, drink, dance, talk while on the other side, your stress level is rising rapidly due to debt incurred

  6. What was the whole point of this article? It has not informed, it has not engaged discussion, it seemingly has not even employed actual research. In fact all it has really done is put down the Black African marital model. Even your ‘definition’ of lobola is lacking, the fundamental purpose of lobola negotiations is to bring to families together, hence both families presenting gifts to each other at the end, this process is especially vital, as in a black marital model, elders are intrinsic, guiding young families throughout their marriages, building them and holding them together in times of trouble, something that lacks within a European marital model(who by the way also pay of lobola, see dowager/dowry). But the main theme of the article is debt incurred. I must say bit is disappointing that a black writer should be the one conserving black stereotyping. I will not even expand on that one.

    1. Thanks for taking your time out to read the article Refiloe, the purpose of the article is to highlight the costs one incurs while opting to go for both the white wedding and traditional, not to put down the African traditions. Having highlighted the costs implications one can begin to realise that as a black man in Africa I’m at a better advantage to opt for an African weddin given the cost imications. I’m pro Lobola, wrote a follow up artircle to this, see link below 🙂

      https://www.geniuslevels.com/2016/05/a-genius-substitute-for-lobola-what-the-black-man-needs-to-do-to-start-building-generational-wealth/

  7. The truth in this?!! I foresaw the big trap, told my partner, nope, everything can wait. Let’s both be good standing in terms of debt, savings, more savings… then we’ll get married. Otherwise we’ll always be paying debt… ’till death do us part

  8. Wow
    Dis an absolute reality
    If i may add its also becoming a common in all races nowadays
    In the islamic culture it is stated that the most blesssed of weddings is were the least amount of expenses are incurred
    Wat a good read this was

    1. Thanks for visiting our blog Ally 🙂
      Wow I did not know that about the Islamic culture! That’s pretty amazing how they go about it, I’m definitely gonna write a piece about that! Thank you

  9. Beautiful read very enlightening. It’s giving us information on what we already have at the back of our heads. But we really need to start seeing debt for what it is ngempela. Money has the power to dictate to us to some extent so how we relate to it is important. Have a lot to say but I’ll say my point is we need to review our understanding of money and how we relate with it , will save us from a lot of unnecessary issues that could’ve been avoided

  10. I don’t like the generalized tone of the article. This is for public consumption and is not an accurate reflection of the morals and purpose of our cultural beliefs and practices. That said, the writer is entitled to write what and how s/he likes.

    I know of highly educated smart beautiful well-rounded women who have been negotiated for less than R20k. The problem lies in how some dud brides and their nasty negotiators have commodified our traditions for selfish gain. Instead of understanding the gift upon both families, some have opted to turn it into a frustrating process full of high prices and frivolous costs.

    I feel that is a personal preference as to whether to have the ‘white wedding’ in addition to the traditional ceremony. It doesn’t make them any more or less of an African per se. However, again, where one is bound to frustrating processes and high prices and frivolous costs, then the plot is lost.

    For me, the essence of it all is joining families, giving thanks to our spiritual guidance and having a celebration of the couple. We should not over complicate matters.

  11. The comment section from this piece reminded me of how we may all look at the exact same thing – from different angles – and see different things. I personally never got a sense of despise about traditional weddings from the author. In fact I got a feeling that the author is sorrowfully asking black Africans to do an introspection and evaluation of our marital model by:
    1) Sticking to our claimed values and underlying purposes of marital processes such as lobolas (i.e. the purpose of lobola is not a money-making scheme, unreasonable lobola negotiators should not be the norm).
    2) We don’t necessarily have to have these lavish white weddings on top of traditional weddings – doing one or the other should be could enough. In fact why not just do a great traditional wedding by itself (you don’t have to feel compelled by others to enter deeper into debt). In fact the white wedding is not the only thing you can cut out – why stress your marriage with the debt of two rings (expensive engagement ring, on top of wedding ring, plus the costs of traditional wedding processes that “western” cultures don’t have to do). Obviously this point is not applicable to some of us who have the ability to pay off the exorbitant debt within 5 years whilst living a great financial life.
    3) I also got a sense of liberation the black mind.

  12. You are outlining a reality, the numbers maybe different for different couples, but this is true. I was fortunate to meet a woman who understood the importance of doing things for ourselves, not for friends or even a family. As a result l never even had to buy an engagement ring. We just went straight to the wedding ring.

  13. I’m so not getting married anytime soon. I’m busy building a house for mom cash bases – 1 yr 2 months. Need a break from expenses. How a brother goin to start a business in debt?

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