“Forever, forever, ever, forever, ever? Forever never seems that long until you’re grown”- Outkast revolutionary love
So, my husband and I were discussing the ability to walk away if our relationship wasn’t working, if we came to a point where we decided it was over and we were unhappy *okay, not really decide but see*. My thoughts were ‘so many people stay in relationships that are over’ and because we stayed longer than we should have, we become bitter and when we are bitter, we can’t think clearly. Also, how do we define “over”? because we get told “every relationship goes through a bad patch and this might be your bad patch!” So, how do we legitimately know we are over? in order to end things amicably? So, the question was “Nthabiseng would you have the courage to walk away?” this is not that easy, because I can be happy in the relationship and therefore want to keep it, but he might be dying! Would I release him? We all like to think of ourselves as selfless and “good people” but could we? Sacrifice our happiness to let our partners be happy with someone else? I know some of ya’ll will say, well if he is so unhappy, why doesn’t he just walk? Well, same reason we all stay! Sometimes it’s easier! It suits us! We enjoy the routine! It goes with change and all that…. never easy! Which is why it requires courage!
Both our answers were, we would have the courage but I don’t know how true our answers were. See, you can really know for sure once it’s being tested, if you are not going through it, it’s easy to talk. Which is why I hardly tell people to leave their partners! Reality is, forever seems so long and we really look like the generation that has the potential to actually live forever! *Good grief!* the average life expectancy, depending on where you are, is sitting at 80+ and we are told it will increase by 5yrs, by 2030, also according to the World Health Organisation by 2020, depression will be the second leading cause of disease! follow me here, I am trying to think about monogamy in today’s world, where we are living longer and its societal rules or image, its damn hard! *In no way am I saying we should cheat, I am not about hurting people in that way, it is painful, I have been there, I am also not one for polygamy* we get sold dreams maan! Like you should be your husband’s best friend and shit! Nah! When we started dating, I told my husband he was not my friend and would definitely not be my best friend, he was shocked coz he had this societal idea, that we should be ‘best friends’ but over the years, he has seen the bullshit of it, coz he simply can’t keep up with the amount of gossiping and snickering I want to do about my other friends! Hahahahahahahahahaha! *Yes, I said it! as friends, male or female, we always moan and bitch about our friends to our other friends*
Okay, other than that, he can’t be my sole emotional companion and to expect such from both of us is, unrealistic, we are different people, IN A RELATIONSHIP *rolls eyes! * our emotions will get in the way and its heavy! It takes a toll on a human being! Which is why, we have a group of friends serving different roles in our lives but you want your partner to serve all these roles? Haai, angeke! It’s too much! I also felt guilty for a bit for saying this, it made me doubt myself and our relationship a bit, coz society tells us we need to be friends! Needless to say though, we do like each other and like hanging out with one another but if he goes on “solo missions” as he calls them, I take no offence, coz sometimes I also don’t wanna hang with him and it’s okay! Hell, sometimes I also just don’t wanna talk to him, I look at him like “why is he talking to me?” this thing of constant conversation with your partner is also a lie, truly overrated, people get under your skin sometimes maan, they get on your nerves and you just avoid them for a bit, what now when you stay with someone?
Anyway, we are healthier in the bit that, we can tell each other “Dude, like I really don’t wanna talk to you now, I just need to be silent to be honest” and we respect one another to provide this, but these are things and feelings people don’t talk about, no-one ever said it could or would happen! We are supposed to be a ‘happy, loving, always interested in one another’s ideas and thoughts’ typa people! Hahahahahahahahahaha! WOW, Okay!* and god forbid we aren’t! it’s the end of our relationship, right? *really! Sprinkles kids to the mix!* Hahahahahahahahahahaha *laughs in hysteria* haai maybe the problem is me and there are superheroes out there who are doing this without struggles but I am not! Maybe I am selfish, I don’t know? Maybe I will be one of those people chasing an imaginary elusive happiness! But we need to know when relationships are not working and be brutally honest maan! Eish! You don’t even need to jump into a new relationship! Imagine, you are walking out to free yourself and your partner and for nothing else! No new relationships, no outside influences but just the honest truth that, ‘this ain’t it!’
I wrote this to say, I respect the people who can walk out of a ‘seemingly’ happy relationship to try for true happiness! The ones who know they’re not happy or their partners are not happy and do something about it, instead of staying and trying to work at it! Especially, knowing the amount of pain and heartache that comes with walking out! And in no way am I saying we shouldn’t try but you can’t salvage a dead horse! We should have the courage to walk away, even when it seems we are okay, especially when we know we are not! I also hope that if the time ever comes, I have the courage to! We also need to look at what monogamy entails, what it means for us in the now? Separate households maybe?
Nthabiseng Lucia Tselapedi
Senior writer for Genius Level. Click on bottom link to access my blog.